She Is
by girlNmaroon
Summary: Olivia, if I had known you were an option... She choked back a sob. If I had only known, I would've come running to you. As she closed the door behind him, she tried to take a deep breath, only to have it catch in her chest. Without him, she had no air.
1. Chapter 1

Ok, I finally got off my butt and finished something. Well, a chapter at least. Forgive any errors, as I'm too impatient to wait for a real beta before posting. Thank you Kait for reading and encouraging. :)

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Olivia steps out of the bath, wrapping a towel around herself with her still shaky hands. The day had been too much for one person to handle. She not only survived a near fatal car crash, she saved her partner's ex-wife and their new son.

Wife, she reminds herself. Wife, not ex. There's nothing ex about someone who just gave birth to a fifth child in a twenty-two year marriage.

She wipes the fog off her mirror, taking in her appearance. She spies the mascara tracks, and she decides to swear off makeup. What's the point? Who are you gonna impress? Munch?

She allows herself a slight smile, but that's all. This is no time for happiness. That time might never come again.

The bruise on her shoulder is purple and deep. She imagines that it looks something like her heart. She touches it gently, wishing for physical pain to mask that which she cannot handle.

Her thoughts travel back to that afternoon, that fateful hospital hallway. She'd stood for nearly an hour, waiting for Elliot. Although, if she were honest with herself, it was as much about Elliot as it was about avoiding Kathy and the awkward adoration she was doling out.

When he'd just brushed past her, an impressive feat considering she'd all but blocked his way, her heart had dropped to her stomach. She'd spent the whole time he was in with Kathy thinking he blamed her. But he'd come out, all smiles, and she couldn't help but grin back. Always a proud papa.

Olivia had tried for a business-as-usual approach, but he shot that all to hell. When he spun her around, and held her...

No. Do not go there, Benson.

Unfortunately that was the only place her mind wanted to go. The warmth of his embrace, his smell, the safety she had felt. She shakes her head to rid her mind of those thoughts. Get a grip.

As she brushes her teeth, her mind starts to wander back down its forbidden path. What the hell. Might as well savor it, 'cause it will never happen again. His strong hold on her seemed to suggest a bond stronger than partnership, but she would never dare herself to hope. She was a woman destined to be alone.

Besides, they still had a good, five, ten years as partners?

Suddenly, she was back on the side of the road, cradling him. Comforting him. Fast forward to that same hospital, to the fear that she had lost him in every way that counted.

That thought had her wanting to punch something. Maybe she was more like Elliot than she thought.

At least there's a sliver lining. Elliot hasn't come to break down my door and force me to talk. Although, why would he? He has a newborn son and a recuperating wife, thanks to me.

All she wants is to crawl under the covers and sleep until Monday. Cragen had given her a long weekend, and she'd be damned if she didn't take advantage of it. However, sleep would not come to her. She tosses and turns, fluffed pillows, but nothing helped.

She comes to the conclusion that her queen-sized bed is just too big for her tonight. Tonight, she was lonely. Longing for a life she'd never have. No amount of blanket-hogging was going to fix that. Olivia grabbed her pillow and trudged to the couch. Perfect fit for a single.

She snuggles her back into the leather, burrowing underneath layers of blankets, hoping to feel even a shred of the warmth that Elliot's grasp had given her. It wasn't loving, it wasn't even comforting, but it would have to do.

Olivia Benson. Bedding for one.

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He'd never really given a shit one way or another about his partners. Maybe it's because he'd always been the junior to a grumpy old man. The second Olivia Benson had wandered into his life, he felt a slight shift. Nothing earth-shattering, just an innate knowledge that this woman was going to change his world someday. Someday soon.

In all honesty, he hadn't expected her to become all that she was to him now. He thought that maybe, they would be friends outside of work. He hadn't expected to learn about her through their cases, in half-truths spoken over cold Chinese late into the night. And he certainly hadn't expected the bits and pieces of her existence to fill up the crevices of his mind, the cracks in his heart, until all he could think and feel was tied up in her.

They used to be so in tune, that when he had a headache, she took the pills. Lately, he'd done all he could to disconnect himself from her, because he was trying to work things out with the mother of his children. He didn't call Kathy his wife anymore, not in his head. Not when someone else had filled that role far better the past few years, in everything but name.

He wonders why he'd gone willingly back into hell right when he'd worked up the nerve to confess his feelings. Tough case, my ass. Olivia was the one who knew how to handle him after a tough case, not Kathy.

The more he thought about it, the more obvious the conclusion became. The frustrating, irritating, dooming conclusion.

He'd sabotaged himself.

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It had been 3 weeks since she'd delivered his baby. Three weeks of her coming into work late, leaving early, and attempting to ignore Elliot's obvious gratitude for saving his wife and child. There wasn't an hour that went by that he didn't plunk down a fresh tea on her desk. Before the accident, she didn't think he even knew what kind of tea she preferred.

She felt ridiculous, pining after him in a way that should only appear in a Jane Austen novel, but there was nothing she could do. She'd tried alcohol, but that was a bust. She could never let herself drink too much. It only brought back more memories better left hidden.

She'd tried watching comedy shows, hoping the laugh tracks would teach her how to be normal again. Not that she'd ever been normal. But she thought that maybe she could learn something from the six friends that spent the majority of their lives in a coffee shop.

She'd even tried bringing a guy home. She'd gone to the bar, had enough wine to look as though she should be drunk, and picked up a decent looking guy who was far more intoxicated than herself. They'd fumbled around in the back of the cab, but the sweaty palms of an investment banker would never be the callused hands that had imprinted themselves on her soul. He said all the right things, touched her in most of the right ways, but she knew instinctively she could never come for him. Once he got to her door, she kissed him soundly on the cheek and thanked him for bringing her home.

She'd walked up her stairs, feeling for all the world as if she'd cheated on Elliot.

She wonders if she had.

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It had been three weeks since she'd delivered his baby. Two weeks and 5 days since he realized he was living a lie. He'd tried to come over and talk to his partner, but something always got in the way. A late night call from the precinct, Kathleen's flat tire.

And that sonofabitch who had his sloppy hands all over her.

At the memories of that night last week, his fists clenched and his eyes squeezed tight. There he was, that Wall Street asshole who was living proof that Olivia would never want a guy like him. She could have anyone she wanted, so why a washed up, married father of five?

He knows that she would never want him the way he wants her. And he thinks that's okay, maybe, if he can just have her in this way for as long as possible. They could be partners for a long time still, and he wants to make sure he doesn't screw that up. So he'd made sure to learn her preferred choice of tea, and made a cup for her as soon as she neared the bottom of her last.

It was vanilla in the morning, sweetened with sugar and a dash of milk. But in the afternoon, (and he'd only picked up on this Saturday when she'd come in on her day off) she preferred plain green tea. He'd been pissed at himself for not noticing, but swore to do it right from now on.

He thought if he could take care of the little things, she wouldn't leave him for someone who could take care of it all.

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He is standing outside her door, trying to work up the nerve to knock. It's his partner, for God's sake. His best friend of nine years. It had taken four swigs of whiskey just to get him here.

He doesn't know how much he'll need after.

Elliot pounds on her door, three quick motions. He never was one for doing things halfway.

Nearly a minute passes, and irrationality begins. She's not here. (You followed her home.) She's asleep. (It's only 9:30.) She's not alone.

It is this last thought that put a lump in his throat.

So when the door swings open to reveal a sleepy-eyed Olivia with damp, curling hair, his face breaks into a shit-eating grin.

"Hey Liv." She wordlessly steps aside, allowing him entrance. Her apartment is the same as he'd last seen it...a year ago? Shit. Had it been that long since he'd paid her a visit?

"So, ah, um..." he stutters. God, could you be a little less like Dickie?

"What's up, Elliot?" she asks tiredly.

"Nothin'. I just wanted to come by and see you." She bites her lip, tucking an errant strand of hair behind her ear.

"Elliot. You see me twelve hours a day, isn't that enough?" No.

"I just wanted to check up on you. You seem tired lately."

"I am tired. So fucking tired of this shit, El. Sometimes I wish I wouldn't wake up."

"Liv-" his voice breaks.

"Look, just...forget it. This isn't what you came for," she stares at him, willing him to forget her honesty. "Do you need to tell me something, or can it wait until tomorrow?" She looks down and away from his eyes, but not before he saw the raw edge to her pain.

He needs to go for broke.

"I made a mistake."

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Reviews are wonderful! 


	2. Chapter 2

Ok, here it is. A certain Aussie convinced me to post...so I am. Thanks for all the support everyone!  
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A guy has only so many great days in his life. And Elliot was pretty sure he'd used up the last one the day he met Olivia. Not that he'd realized it at the time.

He was less than enthusiastic the day he found out he was getting a female partner. A rookie, at that. When Cragen had delivered that gem, he'd headed straight to his gym to beat the shit outta the bag.

Pounding his taped fists into the tough red fabric, he forced himself to think of all the good days he'd had, all the people in his life that he'd never expected to be so important.

_The day he married Kathy. Sure, it had been a shotgun wedding with no money, but it was the day of independence from his family. The day that Kathy chose him over everybody else._

His shoulder aches from where he'd banged it wrestling a perp last week.

_The day Maureen was born. There was nothing like seeing your firstborn. She had blonde hair, like her mother, but those eyes. Those eyes were his. And her appetite. _

A line of perspiration broke out on his forehead.

_Kathleen's birth. Not only did he welcome his second beautiful daughter into the world, he'd finally caught the serial rapist they'd been looking for months. Physically, she was Kathy dead out, but her stubbornness, that was all him._

A bead of sweat trickled into his mouth, and he savored its sweet, salty taste.

_Making Detective. That was the day he finally realized he was better than his father. That he would never be the washed up, violent cop he'd been raised by. He had made something of himself. _

His knuckles cracked as he continued his assault.

_The day the twins were born. They wanted the genders to be a surprise, so once they induced Kathy's labor, he was all nerves. He loved his girls more than anything, so once Lizzie appeared, he smiled at the thought of pink and boyfriend intimidation for the rest of his life. But when his son arrived, he thought his family was complete._

The seam of the heavy bag split, and the grains inside spilled onto the scuffed hardwood floor.

_A girl partner. Well, shit._

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She knew she had her work cut out of her. As her new captain described her partner, a knot formed in her stomach.

"…can fly off the handle…excessive force…third generation cop…"

She had him all worked up to be some brute with zero intelligence, all muscle and testosterone. She'd have to play the voice of reason, solve the crimes while he took the credit.

He was gonna ogle her, make her feel twice as bad as her last, aging beat cop partner.

She was gonna dish it right back, though. This was her job, the one she was born to do. She knew she'd be damn good at it, and she wasn't going to let the 16th Precinct's reigning Hulk Hogan mess her up.

So the morning of her first shift, she came prepared. She brought a huge cup of coffee for her and a bagel for him.

She thought he'd be hairy, and old, and someone she'd dislike on sight.

But in the instant she met his eyes, she knew she'd had him all wrong.

_Shit._

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The room is silent, save for the desperate breaths of two detectives. Still, the echo of his words rings loud in her head.

"A mistake? Like, on a case?"

"No, Liv. I made a mistake with Kathy. With you." At this, he reaches out for her hand, but she snatches it away in the nick of time. She collapses onto the couch, her body too weak to take the impending emotional beating standing up.

"Elliot. What are you trying to say?" she questions, scratching her eyebrow with her pinky.

He takes his time in answering, his jaw line tensing and relaxing as he formulated the perfect words. He wanders to the couch, sitting near enough to her to smell her shampoo.

"I don't like my life anymore. I shouldn't have moved in with Kathy. I want out." Olivia looked away, staring at nothing. He cups her chin, turning her face to his. He waits for eye contact before pressing on. "I want you, Olivia."

Granted, Elliot didn't have a lot of experience in romantic declarations. The last time he'd made one, the girl had been barefoot and pregnant. But he's pretty sure this kind of statement merited a response of some sort. A gasp, a hug, hell, even a sound slap across the face.

Instead, she just looks unsettled. Sick.

"Elliot. You don't mean that. You love Kathy."

"I don't-" he begins to protest.

"You do. You love your family, you love her. You do." With that, she shoves off the couch, moving quickly towards her kitchen. She has a cold beer opened and half-gone by the time he follows her.

He can sense her quiet panic, so he grabs her left wrist and rubbed soft circles on her palm. She swallows the rest of her beer, slamming the bottle onto the counter.

"What are you doing?" she asks softly.

"Trying to calm you the hell down."

"I don't need you to do that." Her body betrays her, goosebumps appearing with the tender strokes.

"Like hell you don't, Benson," he challenges.

"I don't need you, Stabler. I've never needed anyone, and I'm not gonna start now." She fights for control of her arms, but he just maintains his gentle grasp. He places his left hand on her hip, pulling her against him for only the third time in their partnership. Elliot finally relinquishes his hold on her wrist, only to wrap her in his arms.

Both attempt to maintain their stoic behavior, but he breaks first. He fists a hand in her hair as a sob wracks his body.

"Olivia, _dammit. _I love you!"

That's all it takes for her to grip him back just as fiercely, her nails digging into his strong muscled back.

"I love you too. That's why I have to let you go. You deserve better. You deserve your family."

"But I want you," he whispers into her hair.

"You have me. I'll be your partner as long as I can. You'll have them at home and me at work, just like always." With that, she shoves him away, finally gaining some distance.

"But-"

"No, Elliot. It has to be this way. You and me, we're better off partners."

He takes a commanding step towards her, but stops just before contact. "I'll always love you."

"I know." She smiles sadly. "Now go home."

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On his way to the door, she calls out to him. "Elliot, if you didn't want to move back in with Kathy, why did you sleep with her?" From the look on his face, that was the million-dollar question.

"Liv, I just needed a soft place to fall."

She thinks they must not be able to read each other's minds anymore. Because, surely, if he could read hers, he wouldn't be saying this. She wipes her clammy palms on her jeans, trying not to look as though her world were falling apart.

She fails. "Why wasn't that me?"

His mouth fell open, then closed slowly. He swallowed. "Liv..." he began.

"No." She held up her hand. "Don't answer that. Just, go."

"But-"

"Go. Now, Elliot." She storms over to the door, flinging it open. He walks silently, shoulders drooping. Defeated. As he is about to pass her, he stops. He turns to her, tucks an errant strand of hair behind her ear.

"Olivia, if I had known you were an option..." She chokes back a sob. "If I had only known, I would've come running to you."

With that, he walks out of her apartment. As she closes the door behind him, she tries to take a deep breath, only to have it catch in her chest. Without him, she has no air.

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I 3 reviews.


	3. Chapter 3

**I'm back! Sorry it took so long. Life can get in the way. But I'm more settled and have plenty of ideas, so it shouldn't take as long next time. Please forgive any errors, as I'm impatient and wanted to post tonight. :)**

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There had been a point when she started coming to him with personal problems, and a point at which she had stopped. He told her time and time again that she could always rely on him, but he'd never really proven it. All her hardest cases, he was absent or worse yet, at her throat.

He knows he can always count on her. _She_ has proven it.

Olivia was there when he was suspended over Ryan Bedford, finding enough evidence to set him free. She was there when Kathy left him, when Kathleen got her DUI, when he just generally made an ass out of himself. She protected him when he was injured, made sure his coffee cup never ran dry.

He needs to step up.

He knows what he needs to do. For her sake. He needs to walk into the precinct tomorrow and act like nothing happened last night. He needs to get _her_ coffee and a bagel, type up _her_ reports, and for god's sake, smile at her.

She needs to know it's okay to be happy.

He goes to sleep with a purpose: to wake up on the right side of the bed. To be the man she believes he is, and hopefully, to win her trust back.

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She wakes up with a purpose: to call in sick and go back to sleep. But she can't do that, no, that would be too easy. She has to face him, show him she's fine.

She knows he'll be an ass today. Anytime he doesn't get his way, he pouts.

He'll probably stomp around the bullpen, demanding things and beating up lockers. He won't remember that she's hurt, too.

He never does.

She settles for the snooze button. She needs all the extra rest she can get.

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He strolls into the 1-6, carrying a bag of doughnuts for the squad. He figures just buying her something would raise eyebrows. A plain glazed for Cragen, a long john for Munch, a blueberry for Fin, and some ungodly chocolate cream-filled thing for Liv. He'd practically swallowed his cinnamon roll whole on the walk there, just so he could have a hand to carry her coffee.

He smiles at everyone as he delivers the goodies, damn near beaming with pride when the look of shock appeared on Olivia's face.

"What's the occasion, Stabler? Munch asks. "You haven't bought breakfast since '99."

"Why you always gotta be suspicious, old man? This ain't no JFK conspiracy. Shut up and eat your damn doughnut." Fin replies.

"It's not the food I'm wary of, it's the smile on his face. If I'm not mistaken, that's the look of a man who just, to use the parlance of the street, 'got some.'"

"Ha! Very funny, John. I sleep on the couch," Elliot says, making sure to hold his partner's gaze. "I'm not in the market for baby Stabler number six."

"Well thank God for small favors. Otherwise you were on track to repopulate the entire island of Manhattan," Munch smirks.

Everyone settles into their desks, starting on the stacks of paperwork. Olivia finally uncovers her doughnut, taking a huge bite.

"Thanks, El," she mumbles with her mouth full. She swallows, giving him a small smile.

"No problem, partner." With a grin, he sets to work.

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Their day doesn't end in the manner it started. First, a victim recants, then they spend the afternoon on a wild goose chase for someone who was deported a month before the crime.

The next week is a blur, spent working with uniforms on a missing child case. He barely sees her, and the mood is too tense. Whenever he goes to crash in the crib, he steals her pillow. Not very manly, but it soothes him to sleep.

He never realizes how much he depends on her until they work separate cases. The rhythm of her breathing, the smell of her hair, the clack of her boots as they walk in sync.

He is a lovesick teenager and a married father of five at the same time.

They close the case, finding the little girl safe with her step mom in Long Island. After all the stress of the 5 days spent on her case, it is the best possible outcome.

Elliot asks if they want to go out and celebrate, but everyone begs off. He just wants something positive, something memorable so to commemorate a day when the world wasn't all bad.

He grins as he realizes he knows exactly how to mark the occasion.

He turns his car back toward the Upper East Side, making one last stop for the night.

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She emerges, rosy-skinned and lilac-scented from the bath, just in time to hear a knock at her door. She ties her grey fleece robe around her waist, padding softly to the peephole.

_God, I hope this isn't a case. _She sighs as she unlocks the door.

Once it opens, Elliot grins his thousand-watt smile.

"Elliot? What's going on? Did you need something?" she questions. She feels like a fool, but she can't help but grin back.

"Yeah, I did," he replies softly.

"What, El?"

"I needed to say goodnight."

She is given no time to reply, as his right hand grabs the tie of her robe, pulling her gently against him. He uses his left hand to tuck the damp strands of her hair behind her ear before cupping her chin.

His right migrates up her back as he pulls her lips to his. At first, he is gentle, unsure. But she sure as hell isn't about to protest.

Elliot becomes more insistent, and she, more pliant. His tongue is granted entrance, and he moans, savoring her willingness.

She has no concept of time as they stand, melded together as one. He is passionate, demanding, and everything she's waited ten years for.

He pulls back, stroking her swollen bottom lip, coaxing her to open her eyes. Once she complies, he kisses her forehead.

"Goodnight, Olivia."

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	4. Chapter 4

Ok, sorry about the wait! Y'alls reviews are so amazing, and thank you everyone for the support. Here's the next chapter. Sorry it's short. I promise more to come and soon!

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She thinks that she knows Elliot Stabler better than anyone else on earth. She knows what to expect from him, how he's going to react. She knows the cases that will have him sleeping in the crib, the mornings that he'll scream at Munch, the way he'll look at Cragen if he dares split them up.

Still, there are things she doesn't anticipate.

There was the time that a very uncooperative store manager left them waiting in the denim section for forty minutes. Instead of him becoming angry, he'd tossed a jacket over his shoulder, and showed her his best catwalk to the pounding rhythm of "Sexyback."

That surprised her, drew laughter until there were tears.

Then, there was the time when he told her that Kathy was pregnant with their fifth child, now known as Eli. She thought the papers were signed, and it was a done deal. But when she questioned him on it, he'd snapped at her.

That shocked her, and drew tears on its own.

But last night left her speechless. Sure, he'd declared his love for her, but he was still married. She thought that he was accepting the reality of their situation, settling back into family life. They were just partners, for god's sake.

But he'd come over, kissed the hell out of her, and wished her goodnight. And she'd still be standing there, rooted to the hallway floor if it hadn't been for Simon calling. She managed to get herself to sleep on auto-pilot, but now, come morning, all she could do was brush her bruised lips and wonder if she shouldn't call in sick.

_That would give him the upper hand_, she decides. She has to march right into the precinct, greet him good morning, and look as if she doesn't just want to take him on top of their desks.

She sighs. _That is not going to be easy._

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The week flies by, and she is miraculously spared since Elliot is tied up in court. Of course, after five minutes of celebration, she was paired up with Lake. All the chatter, the easy listening on the radio…

She misses Elliot.

When she has to physically restrain herself after "Call-Me-Chester" refers to them as an old married couple, she realizes she has more in common with her partner then she thought.

By Friday, she's pissed at him. What kind of asshole would abandon her like this? Trapped in Kenny G hell, while he helps out Casey? It's just plain cruelty.

He could at least bring her morning tea. So what if it's completely out of the way. She _was_ his partner, for god's sake.

_At least I have a date tonight. Some old law school friend of Casey's, but I'll take anything she can get right now._ She wants some time away from Detective Benson, and tonight is her chance.

Angry at the sight of his desk, she shuts off her lamp and heads out of the bullpen two hours early.

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He tries to keep himself away from her place, he really does. Casey mentioned that she'd set Olivia up with some prick named…Terrence? Teddy? Tad?

Whatever his name is, he can't be right for his partner. She doesn't belong with a trust fund baby. She needs someone more real, someone who knows what it is to struggle, someone with a temper like hers.

He tries not to think that that someone is him.

But his night had gone to hell, and he probably will too if he doesn't settle down. He can't go home and he can't stand being alone.

_I'm sure the date is over now. She probably hated him, threw wine in his lap and stormed out hours ago._ He smirks at the thought of Olivia's anger directed at some sweater-wearing punk. He hopes she was drinking merlot and ruined his khaki pants.

He hears noise in her apartment, so he knows she's home. He knocks once, twice, then decides to use his key.

"OH! Shit, Liv! I'm sorry!" He shields his eyes from the sight of his topless partner on the couch with a man. She yanks her sweater over her top half, shooting him a death glare before smiling reassuringly at her date.

"Tanner, this is my partner, Elliot. Elliot, Tanner."

"Hey, man." Tanner reaches his arm out, as if to shake his hand. When Elliot just glares, he rakes his fingers through his wavy gray strands. "Uh, look, Olivia, I better be going. It was really nice meeting you. Call me sometime when you're less…busy." He buttons up his shirt, grabs his sportscoat and heads out the door.

The latch clicks softly, and both detectives remain silent. He clears his throat, shoving his hands in his pocket.

"I'm sorry, Liv. I didn't think-"

"That's right, Elliot! You didn't think! You just come barging into my apartment at midnight, wanting what? Another goodnight kiss before you go home to your wife?"

"What the hell? I wouldn't use you and you know that," Elliot fumes. "I came over here because I'm having a shitty night and I need to talk to my best friend. And face it, Olivia, that's you."

All the fight drains out of her, but she can't resist one last remark. "Try calling first next time, ok?" His cheeks flush with embarrassment.

"You got it, partner."

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I have my first real job interview on Monday, but I should be free to write after that! Reviews are love. 


	5. Chapter 5

_I never intended to take this long, and I do apologize for the long wait. I moved to Canada, and a lovely April blizzard is what finally pushed me to write. Thank you Heather for the sneak preview support, and thank you everyone who's reviewed. It means so much that people enjoy my work. Hope you like it!  
_

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She was never one of those people who believed that ripping a band-aid off as quickly as possible was less painful. She prefers to peel it back softly, wincing, making faces, cursing. Everyone told her just to use one swift motion, and then it would be all over. It seems that everyone in the world prefers this ridiculous notion.

Except Elliot.

He has been pacing her wooden floor for fifteen minutes now, seemingly deciding whether or not to tell her the thing he burst into her apartment to say. She thought he would have put up much more of a fight about the date he interrupted, but he doesn't seem to care.

She tries not to think about how much that upsets her. After all, she was the one who rejected him, right?

She sighs, suddenly too tired for this conversation and exasperated with want for a man who is entirely off-limits, despite what he thinks.

He finally plops down on the other end of the couch, as far away from Olivia as he could be. He scrubs his hand over his face, and she hears the scratch of his rough palm against his 5-o-clock shadow.

"I really screwed things up, with everyone."

"El, that's not-"

"True?" he interrupts. "Yeah, it is. I ruined my life with Kathy because I couldn't speak up. I ruined my partnership with you 'cause I couldn't keep my mouth _shut_. I ruined my relationship with Maureen because the one time, the _one time_ she asked me for the truth, I lied to her." He looks up at her, head in hands, eyes rimmed red, willing her to disagree with his disapproving self-diatribe.

"Hey, don't think like that. You and me, we're fine." At his look of disbelief, she continues. "Well, okay, it's a little awkward right now. But we're still a team, still Benson and Stabler."

"Stabler and Benson, you mean." He smirks, challenging her with a raised eyebrow.

"Asshole," she says with a smile. He chuckles for a moment, before the misery comes back in his face. She scoots over to the middle cushion, grabbing his hand in the process. Her fingers lace through his, and strangely enough it feels right. "Ok, you tell me what you think you screwed up, and I'll tell you how you're wrong."

A short puff of laughter escapes his lips. "As usual." He clears his throat as her left hand reaches over to envelop his larger hand with hers. "I lied to Maureen."

He swallows. "She…came to me. Asked me about how I decided to marry Kathy. Asked me if, if it was because I really loved her, or because I felt obligated. Maureen tells me that her boyfriend proposed to her, but she didn't know what to do."

He chances a glance at Olivia, and sees only compassion in her eyes. "Jesus, I didn't know how to answer her. I couldn't answer her. So then Maureen asked me if it was enough. She wanted to know if loving someone was enough to build a life."

"So how did you lie?" she asks softly.

"I said no. I said marriage is hard, and sometimes, sometimes love isn't enough. I said that love wasn't enough for her mother and me, and that she shouldn't just go blindly into something because if feels right."

"Elliot, that's not lying, not if it's what you believe."

"But it's not what I believe!" he nearly yells. He feels Olivia tense, and he softens. "It's not what I believe. I think that, when you know, you know. Sure, there's always gonna be work involved. But when you love someone, it's not gonna be hard, because you know they've got your back."

Olivia pulls her hands back into her lap, shrinking away from him as discreetly as possible. She knows her duties lie as a best friend tonight, and that's what she's going to be. She knew he'd come to his senses and retract his profession of love. _He was just confused and alone, Olivia. He doesn't realize how hopeful you were that he meant those words. He can't help if that you've fallen for a married man._

"So why didn't you tell her that? Look at you and Kathy. You guys are proof of that."

"Liv, I wasn't talking about me and Kathy. I was talking about you and me."

Her mind can't process fast enough, her body can't move fast enough and suddenly he is sharing her space, breathing in her air. He rests his palm on her knee, igniting her nerves, setting her skin ablaze.

"Kathy and I are done."

Even though these are the words she's been dying to hear, she gasps. "Elliot, what? When?"

"Yesterday."

"But I thought you two were working it out." She shifts away from him, or she thinks she does, but _god,_ her head is on his shoulder and he's wrapping his arm around her shoulder, holding her in place.

He knows her fight-or-flight instinct is kicking in, and he's not giving her any options.

"Olivia, if you have to try that hard, it's not right. You and me? We're right for each other. We _fit._"

She's trembling now, and her skin is cold and prickly and clammy all at once. But he's with her, calm, steadily breathing against her neck. He's keeping her steady. Elliot is determined to give her the support she needs, the support he hasn't been giving her in recent years.

He twists a lock of her hair between the pads of his fingertips. "I'm not asking you for any sort of commitment. I know this is sudden, and I'll give you the time you need." He pulls back, looks her in the eye. "I'll wait, Liv. I'll wait until you're ready."

As he kisses her forehead, she whispers. "You won't have to wait long."


End file.
